In the first part of this series on communication, we explored how the words we use can create problems in clearly conveying the messages we intend.  The second part of the series covered how nonverbal and paraverbal factors interact with what we say to augment or change our messages.  This third (and concluding) installment will address the listening side of communication.  The first two parts focused on what we broadcast, but an equally important factor is how we are receiving messages from those with whom we interact.

Listening

         When people describe the conflicts they have with their partners (or anyone else for that matter), a common thread is that the conversation escalates.  It may start out as a slight disagreement but soon becomes a full scale, bridge burning, name calling free for all.  While there is much to be said about conflict resolution, that is a subject for another time.  I want to focus here on how we can use listening as a communication tool to attempt to avoid the sparks of conflict from turning into a full blown forest fire.

So often in conflict we only hear the first bit of what our counterpart is saying.  We then hear something that we want to respond to and we begin formulating our own response, counterargument, rebuttal, accusation, or counterattack.  In the time we spend formulating this response, we have effectively checked out from what the other is saying.  Quite often we have missed important information that may have shifted or augmented what we initially were responding to.  This is equivalent to reading half of a sentence and expecting to have a clear picture of what the entire sentence was communicating.  In doing so, we short change ourselves by cutting off our access to the entire picture.  This personal cost is in addition to the frustration that it can cause our partner when they feel misunderstood or unheard in our interactions.

One of the best ways to combat this tendency to quickly formulate a response is to follow the principle of seek first to understand, then be understood.  This originates from the excellent and popular work of Stephen Covey in his bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  This principle, as in many suggestions towards healthy habits, is simple but not easy.  We can easily grasp what it means to first understand what our conversation partner is communicating and then to proceed to make our own point, but it can be very challenging to actually do it.  Most of what makes it difficult is the shear habit of not doing it, so making a concerted effort to practice this new style will go a long way.  Practicing two other things will also aid you in working towards being able to follow the principle of seek first to understand and these are active listening and the “did I get that right?” exercise, both of which will be explained in detail in the remainder of this article.

Active Listening

         I recall when I was first exposed to the concept of active listening.  I was towards the end of my undergraduate studies and was taking a course titled “skills of counseling.”  At this point, I had basically made the decision that counseling was the field that I wanted to pursue when I grew up.  So, unlike many of the courses that had come before it, I actually paid attention to the majority of what was taught.  I can recall when the professor announced that the lecture that day would be about listening.  My immediate thought was “Well, this should be a short lesson.  Hear what people say.  Class dismissed.”  Already making plans for what I anticipated to be an unexpected free afternoon, I had no way of knowing how my understanding of listening as a skill would change by the end of this class.

         Part of the mistake that I had made was in confusing listening with hearing.  We hear at all times (unless we are purposefully putting on some noise-cancelling headphones to tune out the world).  It even happens when we are not fully aware of it.  Our brains have the capability to register auditory sensory input without us necessarily having to attend to it.  In English, this means that we can hear things even when we are not really trying to do so.  We may not even be paying attention to what we are hearing (as frequently happened in any history class I took).  We need to differentiate hearing from active listening by defining active listening as hearing, concentrating, understanding, and responding.  Active listening thus is a process whereas hearing is an experience.

         To reiterate, the process of active listening is:

• Hearing – receiving auditory sensory input that registers for us consciously. We cannot begin to actively listen to someone who is talking in the other room.  We must be able to clearly hear them.
• Concentrating – attending to what is being said while being free of distractions, both internal and external. External distractions tend to be obvious (our smart phone, interruptions, others’ noises, etc.) while internal distractions are not so apparent (thinking about other things while someone is talking to us, formulating our response, etc.).
• Understanding – taking the time to process what was said and being sure that we grasp what the other person was trying to communicate.
• Responding – letting the other person know that we heard and understood what they said. This may also include responding in the manner of statements like “uh-huh” or “I hear what you’re saying” or nonverbal responses like nodding or shaking your head.

In addition to these four components of the process of active listening, we also need to address the role of nonverbal communication in active listening.  You may recall from part two of this series of articles that nonverbal communication encompasses the way that we use our body to “speak.”  We can communicate that we are listening to someone by:

•   Maintaining eye contact – this tells someone that we are paying attention to them.
•   Leaning forward – ok, maybe not that much, Michael Jackson.  A subtle forward lean towards the person talking lets them know that you are interested and engaged with what they are saying.
•   Using encouragers – these are small messages that encourage the other person to keep talking by letting them know that you are following along.  This can be a smile, nodding, saying “uh-huh,” or any other things along those lines.

So now that we know more about active listening and how to do it, let me introduce you to an exercise that will put these skills to use.  I call it the “Did I get that right?” exercise.

“Did I get that right?”

To do this exercise, two people must be on the same page about the protocol in order to successfully complete the task.  Here is how it works:

• Person A speaks while Person B practices active listening.  Once Person A has completed what they wanted to say, they say “ok, that was it.”
• Person B now summarizes what they heard by saying “What I heard you say was ___.” Person B should make an effort to put it in their own words rather than simply repeat exactly what was said (though if Person B were able to do so it would demonstrate that they had been listening attentively).  Once Person B has completed their summary they ask Person A “Did I get that right?”  (Ding ding! Now you see where the exercise title comes from)
• Person A responds with either “yes” or “no.” If “no,” Person A says “What you missed was ___.”  Person B would then have a chance to try again at the “What I heard you say was ___.”  Once Person A is able to answer the “Did I get that right?” question with a “yes” we move on to the next step.
• Person B gets to respond and present their own input. The same process as above repeats itself with each person now switching roles.  This goes back and forth until the conversation has reached its conclusion.

This exercise might appear to be a bit tedious and it will indeed feel like your conversations take longer than usual when you are using this exercise.  However, it allows you to have a much deeper and clearer conversation because this technique enables each of you to catch and correct any potential miscommunication before they run unchecked and ruin your interaction.

Between this exercise and the other notes on listening presented in this article you should have some solid ideas on how to make a significant effort in going beyond just hearing your partner (either in conversation or in life) and listening to them in a deeper and more significant manner.  The benefits of this effort will be twofold:

First, you will have the benefit of better understanding those with whom you carry on conversations.  You may be surprised at the depths of this new understanding and how shallow your understanding may have been before making a direct effort to really listen to others.  We often think and would maintain that we understand those around us, but if we probe or question this understanding we are likely to find that, without direct effort to really listen, we have but a cursory and superficial understanding of what others are saying.

The second benefit will be that others are more likely to match your efforts to listen.  When someone picks up on the fact that you are taking the time and effort to really attend to what they are saying, they are likely to make this a two-way street and make it reciprocal by attending deeply to you.  Ultimately, it feels really good to be thoroughly heard by another.  When you give this gift to others, you are likely to receive it back in return.

         This series on communication has explored communication including the verbal messages we send (part 1), paraverbal and nonverbal communication (part 2), and listening (part 3).  When all of these areas are addressed and harnessed, we are equipped to communicate as clearly as possible.  This is not to say that misunderstandings or conflicts won’t happen, but we will have the tools to navigate through them and work towards resolutions that allow for us to feel connected and supported by those around us.  As meaningful social connection is one of the cornerstones of good behavioral health, communication tools are some of the most important tools to have in our proverbial toolbox.  I hope this series was helpful to you in either creating or sharpening these tools.

Edited by: Shirley Sachs

Written February 21, 2016

         In the first part of this series, we explored three issues that interfere with effective verbal communication (see Part 1 for all of the details).  This second part of the series will address issues beyond verbal communication.  We will explore other ways that we communicate with our body and voice.

Other types of communication

         It is easy to grasp verbal communication.  We pay attention to what we are saying and, by default, we are working on our verbal communication.  The issues that we will explore here are a bit more nebulous and can be more difficult to comprehend (but if I do a good job, you will be able to understand it in short order).  Let’s break down these other types of communication into 3 broad categories: nonverbal factors, paraverbal factors, and interactional relationships.

Nonverbal Factors

         Very broadly, nonverbal communication is conveying a message with your body instead of your voice.  You can think of a teenager’s unique ability to communicate that they have way better things to do simply with an eye roll and a sassy posture.

Yep, just like that.  She is clearly communicating some things here with her body posture and where she is directing her gaze (away from Dad, who is either doing a Gilbert Gottfried impersonation or is clearly communicating frustration with his own nonverbal communication).

Many things fall under the non-verbal category, including:

• Clothing – Have you ever been embarrassed by showing up at a function in the wrong dress (you show up in formal wear at a casual event)? Your embarrassment stems in part from the fact that you are communicating things that you did not intend to with your appearance (in this example it would be things such as “I did not read the invitation thoroughly” or “I am more important than others” or “look at me, I have fancy clothes and clearly make a lot of money.”).  It is likely that you do not intend to send these messages and would not verbalize them, but that is what your clothing communicates.
• Grooming – If we answer the door and look like we have emerged from hibernation,  we are likely communicating that we were not expecting company. Your level of grooming (or lack thereof) can communicate things about how you feel about yourself or about how you feel about the situation in which you are engaging (a well-groomed person showing up for a job interview is  demonstrating to a prospective employer that they are taking this opportunity seriously).
• Posture – We communicate a lot about our level of engagement in a conversation through posture. Leaning in suggests that we are attentive and engaged.  Open body posture (arms uncrossed, shoulders squared) suggests that we are open to the conversation and what the other person is saying.  On the other hand, closed or hunched body posture tends to communicate that we are not open to talking.  Open or closed body posture also has the ability to communicate about how we may feel about ourselves.  Compare these to images:

Our guy on the left apparently has missed the memo that people here are having a great time.  His posture communicates that he is not having fun, probably does not want to talk to us, and perhaps does not hold himself in high esteem.  Our guy on the right exudes confidence.  His posture is upright and open and he thus appears to be confident and approachable.

• Touching – shaking someone’s hand, slapping their back, giving a high five or a pat on the shoulder, brushing an arm. These all communicate messages nonverbally.  If we watch two people in conversation and can’t hear what they are saying, we can gather a lot of information based solely on how much and what type of touching they engage in.  (Think of how differently you would touch your boss as compared to your best friend.)
• Eye contact – this is a major way that we communicate engagement with another person. Maintaining appropriate eye contact (which happens to be culturally specific: what is appropriate for a Caucasian American is different from a Native American which is different from someone from Japan) communicates active involvement whereas avoiding eye contact communicates either a desire to leave the interaction or some type of discomfort.

All of these factors comprise the nonverbal side of communication.  Using these factors alone, we are able to communicate volumes to another person without ever having to say a word.  When we see a picture of another person, the old saying “a picture is worth a thousand words” may actually be true as we have access to most or all of these nonverbal factors.

Paraverbal Factors

         Verbal communication, in the form of what we say, was explored in depth in Part 1 of our exploration of communication.  In Part 2, we will focus on how we say what we say.  In the picture above, you can tell that the people are speaking loudly to one another.  This may appear to be an angry exchange, even though we have no way of knowing what is being said.  The study of cues of the voice is called paralanguage or vocalics.  I label how we say what we say as paraverbal communication (I just think this rolls off the tongue more easily than do either of the other two).  Several things encompass our paraverbal communication, including:

• Volume – how loud are we saying things? This can range from a barely audible whisper to a full-bore yell.
• Pitch – are we using our normal speaking voice or making it lower or higher pitch than usual? Say the following statement out loud in your normal pitch: “I thought that movie was really good.”  Now, say the same statement but use a high-pitched voice for the bolded part: “I thought that movie was really good.”  This version may have either sounded sarcastic or excited, but it certainly sounded different than the first version.  Next, say the same statement, but use an emphatic tone, perhaps by lowering the pitch of your voice, for the bolded part: “I thought the movie was really good.”  Here, we use pitch to reflect that this is our opinion.  Again, it changes the intention of the message even though the words themselves are identical.
• Tempo – how rapidly or slowly are we speaking? A fast tempo typically suggests excitement whereas a slow tempo tends to impart a seriousness or importance to what we are saying.
• Articulation – how pronounced is our annunciation of our words? We can mumble or use extra emphasis or more precise articulation to change the meaning of what we say.
• Accent – from what region of the country or the world does our use of language originate? If we are speaking to others in our native accent, this likely does not have specific significance, but a deliberate change in one’s accent typically is a technique used to lend emphasis or to attempt to change the meaning of the words we are saying.
• Characterizers – are we expressing any emotion along with what we are saying? Laughing, crying, or yawning are some examples.
• Vocal segregates – are we using any sounds to let the other person know we are listening? Mmm-hmmm, oh, uh-huh are some examples.

Interactional Relationships

         Interactional factors involve the relationship between the first two topics presented here (nonverbal and verbal factors) and the actual words that we are saying.  As with the yin and yang symbol above, two things interact with one another to bring the entire picture into focus.  Each of the the halves contributes to the overall impression or shape of our message.  The relationship between these factors can fall into one of the following categories:

• Repeating – what we are saying is reinforced and strengthened by our paraverbal and nonverbal communication. This is where we may gesture to a person or thing that we are talking about.  You can think of this as having the same effect as literally repeating what you have said in order to bring more attention to your words.  Imagine you say “I welcome your feedback” and use a hand gesture to wave the person towards yourself.  This gesture means, “bring it to me” and therefore repeats your verbal message.
• Complementing – what we say and our paraverbal/nonverbal communication are in line with one another. This is similar to repeating but does not have the redundancy felt with repetition.  In the complementing style, saying “I welcome your feedback” is complemented by an open body posture, a warm smile, and steady but non-confrontational eye contact.  Your body thus communicates a message of openness and a welcoming vibe which matches your verbal statement.
• Substituting – this is where we use nonverbal communication in lieu of verbal statements. You can imagine this happening if you walk into the office of someone who is on the phone, and they either:
  • Direct you to leave the office by shaking their head and frowning
  • Invite you in by smiling and extending their arm to an open chair. They may even hold up a finger (their index, that is – a different finger would communicate a different message) to indicate they will be with you in a moment.
  • Let you know the call they are on is unimportant by rolling their eyes or doing the “chatty talker” gesture with their hand

Each of these would communicate very different intent, without a word                                   being said, which is the essence of substituting.

• Accenting/Moderating – this is where your verbal message is altered by paraverbal or nonverbals. It can serve to either amp up or tone down your verbal message.
• Conflicting – this is where there are mixed messages and what you are saying does not match up with your paraverbal and/or nonverbal communication. The important thing to note here is that people place more weight upon the paraverbal and nonverbal messages than the verbal ones.

It is important to know these interactional relationships because many times miscommunication stems from a poor match between our verbal messages and paraverbal/nonverbal messages.  If you find yourself consistently saying things like “I did not mean that the way in which you took it” or “you are reading into what I said” these are good signs that you should look towards these other ways that we communicate beyond just our words.

Recap

• Nonverbal communication comprises the ways that our bodies communicate messages without having to say a word.
• Paraverbal communication is how we say what we are saying and mainly involves the varied inflections of our voice.
• Interactional relationships look at the overall picture of how our verbal, non-verbal, and paraverbal communication work together to support or at times negate the messages being sent.

Part 3 in the series on communication will tackle the last and most frequently overlooked part of communicating: listening.

Written January 28, 2016

Edited by Shirley Sachs

       “Komunikacija je primarni način kako smo u interakciji sa drugima.”  Did you have a hard time understanding this?  Let me try again.  “Kommunikation ist die primäre Methode, wie wir mit anderen interagieren.“  Still struggling?  I’ll try to communicate more clearly this time: Communication is the primary method of how we interact with others.  (The first two statements were in Bosnian and German, respectively.)  When we are speaking different languages, it is clear why we are having a hard time understanding one another.  This article is not about how to translate languages, though.  It is about the misunderstandings and miscommunication that happen even when everyone is speaking the same language.

From miscommunication to Miss Communication (or if you are male, Mr. Communication)

         In my counseling practice, I see a lot of people who are dealing with conflicts in their relationships.  A vast majority of the time, communication issues are at the root of these conflicts.  We will explore the main types of miscommunications that happen and how to avoid them with the goal of being able to clearly communicate with one another.  Given the sheer volume of our conversations with one another in our relationships, some miscommunications are inevitable.  Given this, we will also explore some ways to work through miscommunications in order to be as clear as possible.  With consistent effort we can make great strides in becoming effective communicators.

The Troublesome Trio

         To begin our exploration of communication, let’s explore and define three of the most common communication issues that I see trip people up in their efforts to interact with one another.  These three issues, which I have termed “the troublesome trio” (because who doesn’t like alliteration?) are: “You” statements, “dirty buts”, and “unclear labels”.  Thankfully, all three have clear resolutions and ways to address and avoid these traps.

“You” Statements

         Quite simply, a “you” statement is a statement that involves the word “you” and is used to accuse the other person of wrong doing.  It is typically done in an attempt to explain why you are upset.  Examples include: “You are insensitive,” “You didn’t do what I asked,” and “You always leave your stuff everywhere and it drives me nuts!”  As you read these, you may notice that they all take on an accusatory and blaming vibe.  The person receiving these messages is likely to answer in a defensive and counter-attacking manner.  This becomes fertile soil in which conflict may grow.

“You” statement are also problematic because they make the other person in control of your feelings.  This is power that we do not want to give away.  Ideally, we are in control and own our own feelings.  Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  I take this step further by emphasizing that any emotion is something that happens within us and therefore we have some degree of control over it.  “I” statements help us to own our emotions (by saying “I” feel ___ instead of you made me feel ___).  We say that we are having the experience of the emotion based on some action, but also due to the way that we are thinking about and reacting to it (you will see this when we define the four part “I” statement).

The way to avoid “you” statements is to practice using “I” statements.  “I” statements are deceptively simple yet can be challenging to practice consistently.  Let’s break down the four steps of an “I” statement.

• “I feel __(emotion) ” – pretty straightforward, huh?  Not so fast.  This is actually one of the most challenging parts.  When I ask the people I work with to complete these statements almost invariably they will struggle to state an actual emotion (they typically give either a thought or an interpretation, the reason for this will be explored further in the section on unclear labels).  Emotions fall into one of the general categories of glad, sad, mad, or scared (or you can think of the characters from Disney’s “Inside Out”).

• “When you __(description of behavior)__” – provide an objective description of what happened.  Imagine what anyone else who would have been present would have seen and heard.  I often describe this as taking the approach of a police officer who says: “Just the facts, ma’am (or sir), just the facts.”  It is important to leave out any interpretations of the behavior or guesses as to why they did what they did.  You will want to focus on the “what, when, where and how” and leave out the “why.”
• “Because __(interpretation)__” – here is where we finally get to talk about the why. This is your chance to explain why the behavior described above caused the feeling described above.  I encourage you to try to build a bridge between these two to where the person can gain a clear understanding about why their behavior caused you to feel the way that you do.

• What I would prefer in the future is __(request)__” – now you get to make your request on what you would like to have happen in the future.  The more specific and direct you can be the better.  Imagine that you are a coach and you need to describe to your player what you want him/her to do.  The clearer the other person is on what you would like to see happen, the greater the chances that can occur.  Keep in mind, however, that it does not guarantee that the other person will comply.

So let’s attempt to put all of this together.  We will use the statements that were listed at the beginning of this section as examples of how to turn “you” statements into “I” statements.

“You” statement: “You are insensitive.”

“I” statement: “I feel hurt and sad when you say things like ‘just get over it’ because it makes me think that you don’t care about my struggles or my feelings.  What I would prefer in the future is if you could hear me out and just give me a hug and reassure me that things will be ok.”

You will notice that the “you” statement does not provide much information and is not really something upon which the other person could improve.  The “I” statement provides adequate detail for the other person to know exactly what is bothering you and what they could do to resolve the issue.  The ball is now in their court to act upon that understanding and you have increased your odds of getting a sensitive and caring response when you are upset.

“You” statement: “You didn’t do what I asked.”

“I” statement: “I feel frustrated, angry, and disappointed when you did not wash the dishes last night as I had requested because I then had to do them this morning and they were more difficult due to the food being dried and crusted on them and it seems like it is disrespectful.  What I would prefer in the future is if you could follow through with the things that I ask or let me know if you are unable to do it.”

You can see how much more descriptive the “I” statement is.  It lets the other person know why it is an issue that they did not follow through and they can see how it affected you, both emotionally (being upset) and behaviorally (having to do the crusty dishes yourself).

“You” statement: “You always leave your stuff everywhere and it drives me nuts!”

“I” statement: “I feel angry and resentful when you leave your clothes on the bathroom floor overnight because I trip over them in the middle of the night and it seems like you don’t care about my safety and expect me to clean up after you.  What I would prefer in the future is if you would put your clothes in the hamper or some other place off of the floor at the end of the night.”

This “I” statement sets the stage for a resolution to come about.  If the other person is unwilling to do what you suggested perhaps they can make an alternate suggestion that will address your concerns, in this case your safety.

“I” statements are helpful to avoid blaming and accusatory language and they also set the stage for some productive conversations about how to address the core problems within an argument.

Dirty Buts

         Disclaimer 1: this section is not about what you may have thought; get your mind out of the gutter.  That is “but” with only one ‘T’.  Disclaimer 2: this section is very nit picky in a way.  It will get very specific about what may seem like inconsequential word choice but it does end up having a big impact on the message that we are giving to others.

Let’s talk a bit about everyone’s all-time favorite subject: conjunctions!  Ok, so maybe it isn’t a riveting subject, but it is important to our discussion on communication.  A conjunction is a word that joins two sentences.  Some common conjunctions include: and, but, or, although and however.  The one that I want to focus on is “but.”

As a conjunction, “but” is used to join two sentences or statements and it does more than just join them.  “But” indicates that the first statement is untrue or somehow invalidated by the second statement.  Let’s explore some examples.

“I like you but you annoy me sometimes.”  In this example, the speaker seems to be attempting to communicate that overall they like this person but there are certain behaviors that get on their nerves.  Keep in mind that the word “but” negates the first part of the sentence.  So in effect, what this person has said is “I don’t really like you because you annoy me sometimes.”  This is not what they meant to communicate, but this is what registers for the receiver of this message.  A more effective way to say this would have been “I like you despite the fact that you annoy me sometimes.”  This statement is much more in line with the intent of the speaker.

“I‘m sorry to tell you but your outfit does not look good on you.”  The speaker here is trying to tell the person that they regret having to give potentially hurtful feedback on their outfit choice.  With “but” negating the first part of the sentence, what was actually communicated is “I’m not sorry to tell you that your outfit does not look good on you.”  A more accurate way to communicate this would have been “Because my intention is not to hurt your feelings, I’m sorry to tell you that I don’t think that outfit is very flattering on you.”  In this style, the message is consistent and emphasizes the desire to not hurt the person’s feelings.

“It’s not my intention to hurt your feelings but I don’t think that you will be successful in that venture.”  If you are on the receiving end of this message, you are left only with the negative statement of the speaker doubting your success in this venture.  The “but” negates their first proclamation that they are not aiming to hurt your feelings.  Hurt feelings may well indeed be what you walk away with.  A clearer way to communicate both sentiments would be along the lines of “It’s not my intention to hurt your feelings when I say that I don’t think that you will be successful in that venture.”  As I write this statement, I am compelled to go into a discussion of why I think this way.  My guess is that a conversation would have the course.  This statement would naturally lead into a discussion of why instead of hurt feelings.

“You tell me that you want to do better but I have not seen any effort on your part.”  Finally, a correct use of your “but!”  Notice in this statement that the second part is meant to invalidate the first.  “But” is used to highlight conflicting information.  The speaker is hearing one thing and seeing another.  In this instance, using “but” is appropriate and accurate.

Unclear labels 

         The final of our troublesome trio is unclear labels.  While unclear labels can take many forms, there is one particular instance that I run into time and again in the course of my work with clients.  It has to do with the term “I feel.”  A majority of the time when I hear someone say “I feel…”, that which follows is not actually an emotion.  Remember earlier that emotions take the form of the basic 4: glad, sad, mad, and scared.  Typically someone will follow “I feel” with a thought, an interpretation, or a sensation.  Some examples are: “I feel that this is really unfair.” “I feel like you are being a total jerk.” “I feel so hungry.”

Following “I feel” with a sensation is less problematic than the other two (thought or interpretation).  If we are discussing a sensation, we are technically using the word “feel” correctly.  However, I find that it is still somewhat problematic because, as a culture, we tend to be emotion-phobic.  People tend to have a difficult time talking about their emotions.  Therefore, I recommend that we reserve the “I feel” to refer exclusively to emotions so that we can be as clear as possible.

“I feel” followed by a thought or interpretation is problematic because we can argue thoughts and interpretations.  We can think and/or believe things that are skewed, misleading or even downright untrue (people truly believed the world was flat just a few hundred years ago, for instance).  We can have interpretations that are off base or differ from others.  Therefore, there is a lot of room to argue thoughts and interpretations.  This is not the case with our emotions.  We have an emotion and it is not possible to argue this.  Sometimes people may attempt to tell us that we do not feel the way we feel and it is important to correct these people and to maintain our own boundaries.  Our emotions are our internal reality and we are the only experts on what is occurring for us emotionally.

I believe that part of why some people feel they are allowed to argue other people’s emotions is due to the fact that we often confuse emotions with thoughts, interpretations and sensations.  Hence we come full circle for the need for clearly using labels and language to describe each of these.  Going back to the example listed earlier, I would recommend the following revisions:

“I feel that this is really unfair.” becomes “I think that this is really unfair.”

“I feel like you are being a total jerk.” becomes “It seems to me that you are being a total jerk.”

“I feel the sensation of being so hungry.”

It may be a difficult habit to break, but using clearer language and labels is usually worthwhile.

Recap

         Communication issues are plentiful in part due to the sheer volume of communication that takes place.  However, there are some specific issues in communication that we can work to address and these were explored in part here.  The issues covered were:

• “You” statements as opposed to “I” statements which can be broken down into the parts: “I feel” “when you” “because” “What I would prefer in the future is”
• Dirty buts is where the conjunction “but” is used to join two statements. However, the word “but” sets up the dynamic where the second half of the statement negates the first half.
• Unclear labels addresses our misuse of the term “I feel.” We are best served when an actual emotion follows this term rather than a thought, an interpretation or a sensation.

Part 2 of our exploration of communication will follow and I will discuss the ways in which what we say and how we say it can work either together or against each other.  I will also discuss nonverbal and para-verbal communication. (Wh-wh-what is that, you ask?  Check out part 2 to find out!)  The listening side of communication will then be explored in part 3 of this series.

Edited by Shirley Sachs

Written: January 25, 2016